(no subject)

[winterbadger]

In another conversation, someone said:

...what chance does partner A have of finding someone suitably compatible while partner B remains on the radar as this tremendously good friend with whom they share everything but sex?

... If you're interested in having a partner rather than just a good friend you're going to lose part of the commitment to the friend when you start looking elsewhere for a partner.

As anyone who knows me will understand, I have a vested interest in believing this not to be true. But it's a coherent expression of a response I've had from a number of people I've been interested in dating.

Comments?

[And, Max, if you object for some reason to my quoting your post, let me know. I figured it was more appropriate to do so without direct attribution and without linking to the original discussion because I wanted to discuss my reactions but I didn't want to hijack the thread the discussion originally took place in.]

Comments

[azbound.livejournal.com]

I think it is as true as you make it. In my own situation, my friendship with Gary sometimes drags me down, and I am constantly left wondering why I even bother. It is not like that with you and C.

When it comes to your relationship with C, it's just different. You two seem to have no animosity, you want the friendship and there doesn't seem to be any jealousy. You had an unconventional split - why wouldn't you have an unconventional post-relationthip relationship?

I hear what the other people are saying, but bottom line is relationships change. Would you be able to focus so much on C if you were focusing on someone else? Maybe, maybe not. You might want to focus elsewhere - and I think C is understanding enough to not get bent out of shape and appreciate it.

Does any of that make sense?

[kmusser]

1) Sure it'll be a little more difficult, but certainly not impossible. Among poly-friendly folks partner B would probably be seen as a positive. Think of it as pre-screening partners that are going to have jealousy issues.

2) is entirely up to you. If you're determined to keep that commitment, than keep it - nothing's going to stop you.

[ga-sunshine.livejournal.com]

I don't know the whole situation, but I think I understand. Many of my friends don't understand why greyknight and I are still very close friends after a fourteen year marriage and now divorce. It's difficult for them to understand that connection. We have had an unconventional relationship to say the least. We have an unconventional friendship now that doesn't involve sex, but is, I guess intimate in its own way. Not weird, unhealthy intimate, just best friends, I guess. Yes, there was a lot of pain there in the end of our relationship, but we are finding new ways to reconcile that.

I don't know how you get a new partner to understand that. I know I dated someone who *had* the same kind of relationship with his ex and there were moments of jealousy and insecurity, but I also know it's how I subconsciously modeled the shapings of my new relationship with knight. (run-on sentence from hell, eh?)

I don't see why your relationship should be a barrier to potential new relationships, nor do I see why new relationships should put a damper on the current one. But, I'm realistic enough to know that not everyone thinks the same way I do. I guess all my rambling means this - yes, some people will be insecure and jealous about the other person in your life. Yes, you will be enthralled with new relationship energy in the beginning and *might* neglect your "other person." My reommendation is being clear and honest with both parties, do self-checks to make sure you're not being codependent, and make sure you find a way to get a healthy balance of both people in your life.

Good luck.

[robbysmom.livejournal.com]

The trouble really would be the common, understandable but annoying insecurties of any new partner understanding that a friednship with a former spouse wasn't in fact going to mean there wasn't "enough of you," as it were, for the new partner.

My own belief is that way to many folks think they have to have all the attention and all the human affection of the partner-- you know, until they've been together long enough that they feel secure and/or really need some space for their own human growth.

Now, in the liminal stages of a relationship the avbove sitaution if often the preference of both new partners. I mean, for folks who work for a living, if they're goign to bed in bed for as many hours as possible with only each other (and maybe the occasional cat who says "Oh, petting time, me too")-- it's really not possible to spend much time with friends. (All single peopel compain about this, too, in my experience, when a formerly single friend suddenly dumps them for a new love interest. . . )

But the problem, I think, as I've said before, is really not the friendship. It's that we all seem drugged by notions of romance that are often detrimental to our well-being over time.