(no subject)

[winterbadger]

Neta and I were at the Screaming Eagles viewing party, watching the end of the second leg of the DC United-Chivas de Guadalajara Champions Cup series, when my phone rang. It was my sister Cornelia, calling to let me know our dad had died.

I feel as if I had a chance to say goodbye the last time I was there, and I don't feel as if he, the person I knew and loved, has really been there for a while, so I'm not sad I wasn't there at the last. My mum went to see him the other day, and C. says he was just overjoyed to see her and they had a very happy time together, so I hope she won't be having any lingering feelings of guilt, which I was afraid of before.

I'm sad, of course, but mostly I'm mystified as to exactly what happened. It sounds as if he was lucid and happy, but in considerable discomfort, so his going now was probably for the best. But the reports I've heard have seemed so completely disparate (one minute he's in a decline, then the next he's talking and eating and getting stronger), and so little actual medical explanation for what's happened has been forthcoming that I'm terrifically puzzled.

But, in the end, that isn't really what's important. What's important is that he seems to have been relatively happy and calm at the end, instead of furious and unhappy as he was when he went to the hospital. That we all got a chance to see him and say goodbye. That he isn't suffering in body or mind anymore.

Being the English teacher he was, I know he'd like to be remembered in a poem. I looked for one and had a hard time choosing. For now, I think this is a good one.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!

Comments

[rolypolypony.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry about your dad. It does sound, like you say, that now he's at peace and not suffering. I am still sorry fot your family's loss, and will be thinking of all of you.

*HUG*

[winterbadger]

Thank you! Here's a kitty, to show my gratitude. :-)

[aitkendrum.livejournal.com]

So sorry to hear the news. A lovely poem. :(

[winterbadger]

Thanks!

I was talking to my sister Cornelia and my mum just now, and C said "Do you want to hear something funny? or maybe creepy? but in a funny way?" I said "Sure."

She said, "I went to turn on his computer last night to send David [her son] an email to call me, because I couldn't get him on the phone. His computer won't work. I turned it off and then on a gain to be sure. And it was working fine when you were here, right?"

It was--there was nothing wrong with it a week or two ago when I was there.

[shy-kat.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry for your loss but happy that things ended peacefully and quickly.

Try not to expect a distinct diagnosis. People 9and animals0 do die of "old age". And there is an awful lot that the medical community doesn't know yet about all types of things.

[winterbadger]

Thank you! And, yes, I'm thinking that this is just about the best way for things to have turned out. My mum was so convinced that he was just going to linger on and on, since his family are pretty long-lived.

Yeah, I realise that sometimes we just... stop. And I am also coming to think that a lot of what I have been hearing about how "well" he was doing was couched in very *relative* terms. V may have been meaning that he was very lucid and alert and talkative and comfortable *for someone who was dying* and I wasn't getting the subtext.

[peaceful-fox.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry to hear about this. My thoughts are with you and your family. I am so glad that he was at peace in the end and that your mother got to spend some quality time with him. Illness can change the whole personality of a person and I am glad that his last days were better. (((HUGS))) to you.

[winterbadger]

Thank you. :-) Yes, he and my mother have been very unhappy with each other for a long time. I was so glad to hear they had some good moments before he left.

[lostinarden.livejournal.com]

My thoughts are with you. What a beautiful poem.

[winterbadger]

Isn't it nice? I found it purely by chance, and it seemed even better for him and this moment than Donne, which would have been my other choice right off.

[pusscat.livejournal.com]

Thinking of you, and glad that it seems like all of you (including your father) were in as good a place as you could possibly have been in terms of accepting this. xxx

[winterbadger]

Thanks! I was thinking of you, in turn, the other day, as one of the things my sister Victoria said when I saw her was that she would be happy to put me in touch with Richard Holloway when I get to Scotland! :-)

[zoefruitcake.livejournal.com]

:0(

Glad you got to say goodbye when you were last there. hugs x

[winterbadger]

Thanks, 'fruitcake! I _was_ glad to see him before he died. I'm feeling as if all is well.

[vonandmoggy.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry...Von and I are both thinking of you and your family.

[winterbadger]

Thanks, Moggy!

[kathygnome.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Janna sends her condolences too.

The up and down stuff isn't that unusual. It's not so much an event as a process and people can exert a lot of control over the process, save energy up--appearing really sick, then spend on things they think are important like your moms visit when they'll appear (and really will be) in much better shape.

[winterbadger]

Thank you guys both for your good wishes.

One of the good things that has come out of this is that my sister has finally told my mum that my nephew is TG. Mum is OK with it, but she agrees it's a good thing we none of us ever told my dad; odds are he wouldn't have dealt with it well for a variety of complex reasons.

I've been thinking of you a good deal recently; it's very odd to be dating someone who is a total DC United FANATIC...but who doesn't know anything about the team prior to about two years ago. :-) Harkes, Etcheverry, Agoos, Williams--these are all just names to her. :-)

[histoire68.livejournal.com]

I am sorry for your loss. I know from experience it can be incredibly frustrating not to know what and how and why. It's almost as if that gives us some measure of control, knowing, even though it doesn't really. You and your family will be in my thoughts.

[winterbadger]

Thank you! Yes, it does at least help one understand, but there are those things that one just doesn't ever understand. I remember the first time that I realised that one might not finally get all the explanations to things when one dies, and what a blow that realisation was. :-)

[tispity.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. I'm sure he'd approve of your choice of poem, though. I've always loved that piece it's so moving and thoughtful.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

[winterbadger]

Thank you so much!

[noting-nothing.livejournal.com]

I am sorry to read about your dad. It's a beautiful poem. I'm glad that you were able to say goodbye and that he & your mother were able to spend some time together.

[winterbadger]

Yeah, I think it would have been awful if her last memory of him was of his being angry and nasty and her feeling guilty because she couldn't bear to go see him when he was like that.

[justjayj.livejournal.com]

My condolences for your loss, and again, I admire the grace and calm with which you've handled this.

[winterbadger]

Thanks, J! So far it's been (slightly disturbingly) easy to do so.

[azbound.livejournal.com]

Love to you and yours. I'm keeping you close to my heart.

XOXOXO

[winterbadger]

Thanks, sweetie. :-) You are such a good friend.

[schizokitty.livejournal.com]

Please accept my most heart-felt sympathies. I'm glad that the manner of his death wasn't upsetting at least and that he started his next journey in peace and good spirits.

The poem was beautiful and perfect. I'm sure he would have loved it.

Peace,
Kat

[winterbadger]

Thank you, Kat!

It's so funny--I was clearing up papers at home the other day and came across a huge pile of photos from college. Lots of really bad pictures of Williamstown, but it was nice to see a lot of afmiliar faces. :-)

[silme.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry. But I am glad that you all were able to say good-bye. The poem seems very appropriate. {hugs}

[winterbadger]

Thanks! This has (not surprisingly) made me think a lot more about what I believe in and what I don't. I may post about it later.

[dativesingular.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear this, Jan. I'm glad that it seems that when the time came, he wasn't in a lot of pain. I'm never sure what to say when I hear things like this, but you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[winterbadger]

Thanks so much, Mari! I think all went, in the end, as well as it could have done.

[astartesyriaca.livejournal.com]

Dear to me is sleep.
Still more to sleep in stone
while harm and shame persist.
Not to see, not to feel,
is bliss.
Speak softly, do not wake me,
do not weep.

-Michelangelo
(translated from the Italian by, I believe, John Ciardi)

My deepest sympathies to you and your family.

[winterbadger]

That's very lovely! Thank you, and thank you for your good wishes.

Sorry to hear of your loss

[john-arundel.livejournal.com]

Very little that can be said that does any good at times like these except that I will be thinking of you. Thats a beautiful poem and somthing Im sure does your father honor.

Re: Sorry to hear of your loss

[winterbadger]

Many thanks, old chap! Good to have trusty and stalwart friends around at a time like this...

[magaidhbhan.livejournal.com]

Oy, I'm so sorry to hear it. I'll be thinking of you.

[winterbadger]

Thanks, my dear!

[snow-lion.livejournal.com]

My condolences to you and your entire family. He is fortunate to be so well remembered. My heart goes out to your mother for her loss.

[winterbadger]

Many thanks, Lion de Neige! *hugs*

[cmlc.livejournal.com]

My sister read this at my mother's funeral:

If I should die and
leave you here awhile,
Be not like others sore undone,
Who keep long vigils
by the silent dust, and weep.
For my sake turn again
to life and smile.
Nerving thy heart
and trembling hand to do
Something to comfort
other hearts than thine.
Complete these dear
unfinished tasks of mine,
And I, perchance
may therein comfort you.

[winterbadger]

Thank you for that--it's lovely.

And welcome. :-)

[bidger.livejournal.com]

I'm coming late to this but K and I are very sorry to hear the news.

I am glad you (and your mom) managed to have your last peaceful
moments with him. Big hugs, big guy.

[winterbadger]

Thanks, also-big-guy! :-) How are you guys doing?