British Proclamation to America ... Hear, hear!

[winterbadger]

with thanks to robbysmom

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the
need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping
the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You
will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You
will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.
You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope
with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer
show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you
shouldn't have chat shows.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents. Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist
in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. You shall learn to distinguish the accents of Caribbean nations, as
well. Jamaica is a former British colony. Haiti is not.

5. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or
"Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy
American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.

6. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through. So-called Episcopalians
among you should be familiar with the hymn. And, by the way, that 1979
Prayer Book will have to be significantly revised.

7. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game. No one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be
allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Those of
you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing body armour). And instead of baseball,
you will begin to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball
without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
Eventually, you shall learn what a proper batsman is.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)
are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on
calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick
cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is
beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to
be more aggressive with customers.

9. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer, is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known
as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's
Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's
Urine".This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000
years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

11. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with
the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former
USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices roughly
$6/US gallon - get used to it).

12. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
not grown up enough to handle a gun.

13. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to
1776).

P.S -- Please tell us who killed JFK. It's driving us crazy.

Comments

[beckon.livejournal.com]

Funny :) although on behave of America we are actually pronouncing aluminum correctly (look it up in a proper dictionary) The english just can't stand it when we correct their mistakes ;)

[mintogrubb.livejournal.com]

Now, lookie here, it's spelt Alumin-I-um. You should always spell things properly ( that means putting a u in , mostly) and pronounce things how you spell them.
Like we do in Holborn, Arkansas, Leicester and all them other places ;)