Calling Tech Support
Nov. 6th, 2012 04:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
winterbadger...somewhere in America...
AmericanElectorate: Hello? I hope you can help me; I recently downloaded your app, "USElection", for my mobile phone, but I've been trying to boot it up since 7 am this morning, and it just hangs.
TechSupport: Did you validate your user account?
AE: Yes. I didn't buy the extra package that required an ID card--I just used my name and address.
TS: We really did urge everyone to buy the full validation system. It prevents fraud and people hijacking your account.
AE: Does that happen a lot?
TS: It happened nearly 100 times in the last edition.
AE: Really? Out of how many downloads.
TS: *inaudible*
AE: What?
TS: Um, 300 million.
AE: Yeah, so it's not like it's a serious problem, right?
TS: *hurrying along* And did you get a "ballot" screen?
AE: Yes. I figured it was asking for system preferences.
TS: Uh, yes, I suppose you could put it that way. Did you make your selections?
AE: Yes. And then I pressed the "vote" button. But then it just hangs.
TS: What do you mean by "hangs"?
AE: It doesn't give me a result, it just says "computing vote" with a little hourglass that keeps turning and turning. I can't get it to stop and reboot either.
TS: Oh, no, you shouldn't do that--you can't restart and vote again. That violates the Terms of Service. You, erm, did *read* the Terms of Service, didn't you?
AE: *incomprehensible reply*
TR: Well, if you read the Terms of Service, you saw you can only vote once. Then you wait to see how all the other users voted!
AE: I *have* been waiting. It's been hours!
TS: Oh, yes, sir. It takes a minimum of 12 to 13 hours just to collect all the votes.
AE: WHAT? This is a mobile app! I just want to see the result--why should it take so long?
TS: I know you've probably heard this before, but, really, that's not a bug, it's a feature!
AE: What do you mean? I want to run the app and see the result. Now!
TS: Well, I understand and sympathize, but our app is designed to provide all the excitement and high drama of a national election being watched by the entire world. If it resolved right away, then there wouldn't be any drama or excitement. This way you get to enjoy the anticipation with your friends and neighbours.
AE: My friends? My neighbours? I don't want them to see how I voted!
TS: Oh, don't worry sir, they won't. But the idea is, you all get together and wait for the results tabulation, have some drinks, some food. Like a party.
AE: A party? I've had enough of parties. That's something else I want to talk to someone there about. All the advertising for this app has been really annoying.
TS: Annoying? Oh, I'm sorry. That is part of the "suspense and excitement" concept. You get previews, screen shots, expert reviews, all ahead of time. Did you purchase the primary module?
AE: What? No! I just wanted the app.
TS: Oh, well, the primary module we advertised ahead of time was interactive, like the app itself. Kind of a beta for the election app. You got to pick a team and help other users on your team select down contestants from an initial pool to a finalist to go on to the championship game.
AE: Yeah, I watched some of that at a friend's. It wasn't very interesting. For one thing, there was only one team of contestants.
TS: Yes, the contestant on the other team had won last time, so he got a bye to the final round.
AE: And even on the one team, they were all boring. No one had to eat bugs or build rafts or anything. There was a lot of infighting and backbiting, like on Jersey Shore, but I'm not into that reality TV mindgame crap. I just wanted the election.
TS: Well, after the beta module selections, we provided more preview material for the full version.
AE: You can call it preview material if you like; I call it a damn nuisance. Phone calls at all hours. Radio ads. Television ads. Junk mail--how many trees did you kill for that? Where was the opt-out screen?
TS: Oh, sorry, sir, it's all part of the package. We're not allowed to opt you out.
AE: And, look, some of my friends have said that when they pressed the selection button for the one guy, the screen indicated the other guy. That's not right. Are you going to tell me that was a feature too?
TS: I'm so sorry. Of course the app shouldn't be doing that. There may be some poorly calibrated sensitivity on the user's screen, or perhaps the digit being used doesn't quite fit the space provided...
AE: So you're saying it's my friend's fault for having fat fingers? What's wrong with you? You app doesn't work, and then you call it user error?
TS: Sir, please. I'm sorry that you're so upset. We're dedicated to providing a satisfying user experience. Of course, it's just one vote. And you can play as many times as you like.
AE: But not for another four years.
TS: Oh, you can use the app again as soon as next year, for municipal and county elections?
AE: *snarling* Municipal elections? Who bothers playing those--they're a bore! Anyway, before the next opportunity to use this comes around, you guys'll have put out another half dozen upgrades and I'll have to download them all over again and reinstall it. And there will be all sorts of new problems.
TS: We like to think that it's a continuous process of improvement. We've got a very active bug-fix process and a lot of testers in the field constantly finding ways to improve the program. Anyway, there should be a provisional result later tonight, maybe early tomorrow morning.
AE: *Provisional*? What do you mean by provisional?
TS: To be honest, sir, we've been having some glitches showing up already. Some of the users in the New York/New Jersey area are having connectivity problems. One or two other places there are reports of tabulation errors that may require us to print out some local databases and count up entries by hand. One or two people have had a little difficulty getting validated. But really, it's all part of the "USElection" experience! Enjoy the evening, sir!
AE: *hangs up in disgust*
AmericanElectorate: Hello? I hope you can help me; I recently downloaded your app, "USElection", for my mobile phone, but I've been trying to boot it up since 7 am this morning, and it just hangs.
TechSupport: Did you validate your user account?
AE: Yes. I didn't buy the extra package that required an ID card--I just used my name and address.
TS: We really did urge everyone to buy the full validation system. It prevents fraud and people hijacking your account.
AE: Does that happen a lot?
TS: It happened nearly 100 times in the last edition.
AE: Really? Out of how many downloads.
TS: *inaudible*
AE: What?
TS: Um, 300 million.
AE: Yeah, so it's not like it's a serious problem, right?
TS: *hurrying along* And did you get a "ballot" screen?
AE: Yes. I figured it was asking for system preferences.
TS: Uh, yes, I suppose you could put it that way. Did you make your selections?
AE: Yes. And then I pressed the "vote" button. But then it just hangs.
TS: What do you mean by "hangs"?
AE: It doesn't give me a result, it just says "computing vote" with a little hourglass that keeps turning and turning. I can't get it to stop and reboot either.
TS: Oh, no, you shouldn't do that--you can't restart and vote again. That violates the Terms of Service. You, erm, did *read* the Terms of Service, didn't you?
AE: *incomprehensible reply*
TR: Well, if you read the Terms of Service, you saw you can only vote once. Then you wait to see how all the other users voted!
AE: I *have* been waiting. It's been hours!
TS: Oh, yes, sir. It takes a minimum of 12 to 13 hours just to collect all the votes.
AE: WHAT? This is a mobile app! I just want to see the result--why should it take so long?
TS: I know you've probably heard this before, but, really, that's not a bug, it's a feature!
AE: What do you mean? I want to run the app and see the result. Now!
TS: Well, I understand and sympathize, but our app is designed to provide all the excitement and high drama of a national election being watched by the entire world. If it resolved right away, then there wouldn't be any drama or excitement. This way you get to enjoy the anticipation with your friends and neighbours.
AE: My friends? My neighbours? I don't want them to see how I voted!
TS: Oh, don't worry sir, they won't. But the idea is, you all get together and wait for the results tabulation, have some drinks, some food. Like a party.
AE: A party? I've had enough of parties. That's something else I want to talk to someone there about. All the advertising for this app has been really annoying.
TS: Annoying? Oh, I'm sorry. That is part of the "suspense and excitement" concept. You get previews, screen shots, expert reviews, all ahead of time. Did you purchase the primary module?
AE: What? No! I just wanted the app.
TS: Oh, well, the primary module we advertised ahead of time was interactive, like the app itself. Kind of a beta for the election app. You got to pick a team and help other users on your team select down contestants from an initial pool to a finalist to go on to the championship game.
AE: Yeah, I watched some of that at a friend's. It wasn't very interesting. For one thing, there was only one team of contestants.
TS: Yes, the contestant on the other team had won last time, so he got a bye to the final round.
AE: And even on the one team, they were all boring. No one had to eat bugs or build rafts or anything. There was a lot of infighting and backbiting, like on Jersey Shore, but I'm not into that reality TV mindgame crap. I just wanted the election.
TS: Well, after the beta module selections, we provided more preview material for the full version.
AE: You can call it preview material if you like; I call it a damn nuisance. Phone calls at all hours. Radio ads. Television ads. Junk mail--how many trees did you kill for that? Where was the opt-out screen?
TS: Oh, sorry, sir, it's all part of the package. We're not allowed to opt you out.
AE: And, look, some of my friends have said that when they pressed the selection button for the one guy, the screen indicated the other guy. That's not right. Are you going to tell me that was a feature too?
TS: I'm so sorry. Of course the app shouldn't be doing that. There may be some poorly calibrated sensitivity on the user's screen, or perhaps the digit being used doesn't quite fit the space provided...
AE: So you're saying it's my friend's fault for having fat fingers? What's wrong with you? You app doesn't work, and then you call it user error?
TS: Sir, please. I'm sorry that you're so upset. We're dedicated to providing a satisfying user experience. Of course, it's just one vote. And you can play as many times as you like.
AE: But not for another four years.
TS: Oh, you can use the app again as soon as next year, for municipal and county elections?
AE: *snarling* Municipal elections? Who bothers playing those--they're a bore! Anyway, before the next opportunity to use this comes around, you guys'll have put out another half dozen upgrades and I'll have to download them all over again and reinstall it. And there will be all sorts of new problems.
TS: We like to think that it's a continuous process of improvement. We've got a very active bug-fix process and a lot of testers in the field constantly finding ways to improve the program. Anyway, there should be a provisional result later tonight, maybe early tomorrow morning.
AE: *Provisional*? What do you mean by provisional?
TS: To be honest, sir, we've been having some glitches showing up already. Some of the users in the New York/New Jersey area are having connectivity problems. One or two other places there are reports of tabulation errors that may require us to print out some local databases and count up entries by hand. One or two people have had a little difficulty getting validated. But really, it's all part of the "USElection" experience! Enjoy the evening, sir!
AE: *hangs up in disgust*
