another update

[winterbadger]

We went back to the hospital, all of us.
Dad is about the same as he was yesterday, sleeping mostly. We talked to the doctor again, and he affirmed that he believes Dad is dying. He was very sensitive in talking to all of us about it, but I think he must have been relieved that all of us agreed that the best thing we can do is make Dad as comfortable as possible and let him go where he's going. He said that the most aggressive possible treatment might be able to give him a little recovery, enough to sit in a wheelchair in a nursing home and stare out at the world for a while, but that the impression he was getting from talking to us was that Dad wouldn't have wanted that for himself. We certainly did emphatically agree that, being an active, commanding, authoritative person as he was, he would have HATED that idea. So they are going to move him, when it's possible, to a hospice setting and give him enough care that he can go on with some dignity and as little discomfort as possible.

The doc was very good with mum, taking particular pains to make sure she realized that she had done the best possible things she could have by getting Dad to the hospital where he could get care, and that *she* is not responsible for his dying--he is old, his body and spirit are worn out, and it's time for him to go--that's how life works; it's not something she could have prevented or even hastned. He's very good at talking to people--my sister the sometime-chaplain said she was very impressed at how he showed no trepidation in coming in to talk to us all about this and also didn't show any of the relief he must have felt when we all agreed, vehemently, on one course of action.

It's likely to take at least a week or so, maybe two,so we're trying to contact the other family members (his grandchildren and his Spoor cousins who rarely contacted him) to let them know. I think going back today is a good move for me, so I can come down again once there's a change. C is going to go home in a day or two; V will stay here a little while, and we can cycle about if things take longer.

I am so, so grateful to everyone who has sent thoughts and prayers and good wishes. I think my dad will be leaving a life that has been more an more difficult and embarrassing and painful, psychologically, for him, and I think there is a chance now that my mother, who has been miserable looking after him for so long, may have an opportunity for some peace and rest herself, and maybe some time to enjoy life for a little.

Comments

[rethought.livejournal.com]

I'm glad your family is in agreement. Nothing worse than arguing over things that can't be fixed.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

[maureenkspeller.livejournal.com]

My sympathy, but it does seem as though you're very fortunate in the people caring for your father and your family. Their sensitivity and understanding must be a great help.

[pisica.livejournal.com]

Wow, what tough times. *virtual hug*

[vonandmoggy.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry...Von and I are thinking of you.

[justjayj.livejournal.com]

Sorry I haven't commented earlier, but I've been away from LJ. Not much I can say or do, except that I know what it's like to lose a father (though not so lingeringly) and other very close family members (more lingeringly), and I admire your fortitude and grace in a difficult time. My thoughts are with you.

[dativesingular.livejournal.com]

Also apologizing for not having commented earlier, but it seems like you all are as at peace as one can be in this kind of situation. I guess I haven't been on the list long enough to know what your father suffered from, but it sounds like he will finally have rest and respite from it. Prayers and thoughts being sent to your family, of course.